7/12 BBC WORLD NEWS

Spain won the World Cup.

Somalians bombed some Ethiopian clubs in Uganda. You figure that one out.

Roman Polanski has been freed by the Swiss. I'd boycott Switzerland, but I'm already boycotting Arizona. Although, I guess freeing someone who drugged and raped a 13 year old girl is a bit worse than just being overtly racist to a group of people who have occupied the area where they live for the entirety of recorded history. Or is it?

They're saying French PM Nicholas Sarkozy may have accepted some money he wasn't supposed to. Shocker.

Israel backpedals over that nasty flotilla incident.

The International Criminal Court has issued another warrant for the Sudanese President. This time for genocide.

The Church of England is giving somewhat better treatment to women than the Catholics.

Michelle Obama is going to the big oil spill. Hopefully she's got some big sponges.

BP has given up on their latest attempt to stop the oil spill. Again. Plan L, coming up.

People on the Gulf Coast are PISSED OFF.

The Afghanistan-Pakistan border is still the last place on earth you'd want to be right now. Err.... maybe. Somalia is pretty hellish.

Oh, yeah - NATO isn't doing much to secure that border. Neither is the Afghani puppet government.

There's a helluva lot of rain in China. Lots of floods, landslides. Bad stuff.

Haiti is still in terrible condition after the earthquake. It was essentially a giant ghetto beforehand, so they may never ever ever recover. Don't worry. If people are forced to live in high-density squalor for too long, disease eventually wipes them out so there won't be much of anyone to worry about.

These Doctors Without Borders people are SAINTS. And they look depressed as hell. As do the citizens. The word they keep using is “grim.”

It's pretty ballsy to follow that story with one about Spain winning the World Cup. Soccer seems rather unimportant right now. All of Spain is drunk. Bootleg merchandise is selling like hotcakes. (I'm assuming it's bootlegged.)

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Man, I don't think I'll be writing up BBC news again. It's not at all funny. The no commercials thing is nice.

7/07 KATU 6pm

Still Hot. People buy air conditioners that are too small for their homes. Dummies.

Zoo animals are still hot. Popsicles®.

Man, it isn't looking good for Kyron Horman. Or his stepmother. Sounds like she tried to hire a landscaper to do some dirty work for her. We may have our very own Scott Peterson. This isn't fun, or funny, of course... but I can't help thinking that this is most definitely going to become a made for TV movie.

Still hot.

There's water spewing all over McLaughlin from a broken pipe or a broken hydrant. Nice reporting, KATU. How hard could it be to figure out which it is?

A Coast Guard helicopter crashed into the ocean off of Port Angeles, WA. One survivor. The Coast Guard had to rescue their own and recover bodies. They are quite reasonably pretty shaken up.

Coffee Time in King City had some pretty horrific violations on their health inspection. You just cut the mold off the stuff and then cook it. What's the big deal?

There are two bands you've never heard of playing at the Oregon Zoo. DON'T GO.

Still HOT. Unless you're on the coast - then its pretty foggy. Don't die in the heat. It's hot. If you're a wimp. My cat has a coat on 24/7 and he's still looking for the sunniest spot in the room. The air conditioning at Union Jacks is probably blasting. --> (that was an editorial note) **{I checked it out... It WAS blasting. I knew it!}

Brush fire in Sherwood. Yeah, a brush fire.

Roosevelt High is getting some dough because the kids who go there come from poor families, so hopefully they won't drop out.

They wanna jack up the price on the mail again.

It's hot on KATU's rooftop. There's people frolicking in the water all around town. When people are interviewed on the news they almost invariably sound like complete fools.

Drink water if you're gonna exercise in the heat. Exercise early in the day. Use the shade to your advantage. Don't get heat stroke, dummy! My cat will laugh at you. Damn, I want a Cherry Pepsi®.

They're gonna put in a sprinkler and a slip 'n' slide in Laurelhurst Park! AWESOME!

Three dudes on the coast tried to kill someone. Guys, that's not cool.

William Althouse, the sex offender from a coupla days back has been caught in Idaho. What a dummy. He literally headed for the hills.

Moms and Dads don't want to lose funding for their disabled kids. Seems reasonable. Who approves these budget cuts, Norwegian Black Metal bands?

20 year old Gabriel Phelps allegedly killed his infant son by punching him in the stomach.

Jesse Morton got arrested for burglary? robbery? i don't know, I missed it.

A guy got hurt on the mountain.

People in Washougal want to copy Arizona's new immigration law.

Lake Pontchartrain is full of oil.

***** 6:38. I've had my fill.

7/07 5:30 ABC World News

It's hot. Africa hot. Energy is running low.
Zoo animals don't sweat. They dig popsicles, blood popsicles and frozen fish. I wonder how the people who own the trademark on Popsicle® feel about this coverage.

They're still freaking out about the Russkie spies that were on the East coast. I realize Patrick Swayze is unavailable, but what about C. Thomas Howell?

Some stuff about terrorism. Sounds familiar.

That oil keeps gushing out. More promises.

The Governor of Louisiana is giving hell to the Feds, who keep telling him "no" on all of his plans for keeping the oil off the shore.

Your unemployment benefits are running out. NeoCons say the $1200/month unemployment insurance payments take away your incentive to find work. That comes out to $14,400 a YEAR. BEFORE TAXES. Livin' large, folks. By the way, if you forget to pay the taxes on your unemployment, you might get a bill 2 years later. Like I just did. Thanks, State of Oregon, for sending this broke student a bill for $380.

John Campbell is running a lot of the show in Afghanistan. Tons of kids are dying over there. REALLY YOUNG KIDS. General(?) Campbell can't go to the memorials because Afghanistan is HUGE and there's so many damned memorials that it just isn't possible. Man, if those people would start worshipping the baby jesus this whole problem would go away.

Two boats collided in Philly. Two people are missing.

An octopus predicted all the German World Cup victories and their loss today. A German octopus. I'm cool with that. I've been called a German giraffe.

**** Commercial commentary: HA HA HA, B.P.!!! I BUY NOT YOUR PROMISES!!! ****

Richard Starkey is 70 today. "Peace and Love, Peace and Love... No More Autographs, with Peace and Love." He really did play some good drums on those Beatles records.

7/2 KOIN

I started watching at 5:35 pm. PM is Olde English for Prime Minister. It's true.

Amber Schaecher created a "Wall of Hope" for Kyron Horman. She loves him, although they have never met. She cried. His parents visited the wall. His biological parents.

Al Gore still might be a sex pervert but it's looking less likely. What, a guy can't get a massage? Man, The Enquirer breaks all the good stories these days. The "DNA" was inconclusive. Come on, you know if he learned anything from Clinton it was to not leave DNA lying around.

There's a bunch of hicks wrasslin' big mammals in Molalla. Molalla is really dominating the "really, that's news?" category lately. I wonder what's going on in the Capitol building?

**commercial commentary: What kind of fool would go to Bling Dental?

Robert Grindstaff, a prison guard, raped a woman at knifepoint.

Scientists think there are 19 genetic clusters that lead to long life.

Scientists think they can prevent the transmission of the HIV.

Sugar can lead to high blood pressure. Soda is bad for you.

Scientists have found 8 genes associated with baldness. They're gonna need to get on that if we're all gonna start living to 100.

Weather. The guy made some dumb jokes about how he's balding. Wow, how newsworthy.
Portlanders: stop bitching about the rain. That's why it's so damn green here. Deal with it.

Sports. This Blazer coverage is like reading cuneiform to me. Why are they still reporting on the World Cup? Nobody gave a rat's ass a month ago, and they don't now. And if they do, they're down at Beulahland watching it live.

Kyron Horman is still missing. 4 weeks later. The cops and everyone else are saying all the right things. There is still no suspect. So they say. They say the stepmother is co-operating. She is not a suspect. You hear me?

Heather Mallory, a young mother, was found dead in the woods. That sucks. They arrested her husband. He is terrible at fake crying. The whole family is bummed, naturally.

A 57 year old man, Eric Louis (Lewis?) is missing on Mt. Ranier.

Some kid is being taken away from his parents who are faith healing type people. Supposedly after the kid gets medical care they will give the girl back. We're miles away from William Penn, I suppose.

Traffic. Weather.

There's going to be fireworks at Fort Vancouver on the 4th.

They're looping back to the Al Gore story.

6:10 and I'm done for now.

6/30 KATU

I missed the beginning.

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Lots of people are on the no-fly list because they don't worship jesus.

Al Gore might be a sex pervert.

Kyron Horman is still missing. The stepmother is not a suspect. Still. I repeat, the stepmother is not a suspect. So let's talk about her for 5 minutes, shall we?

An armed robbery suspect was found in an old man's bushes. This has happened to this old man and his bushes before.

A kid got shot getting off a bus. Lots of kids in Portland have guns.

A truck hit a house in Molalla.

A the 2008 Miss Oregon may get deported. Her dad lied on his immigration papers.

Something about a kid getting killed years ago. I don't know, I was spacing out.

An inmate wants to donate a kidney.

The city and some volunteers filled at least 30 potholes. You can report potholes with an Iphone "App."

Carafe, one of those "Bistros" got a very low score (71) on it's health inspection. They had "moldy beef cheeks," stored food on the floor, and a dishwasher that didn't get hot enough to kill germs. Apparently they fixed their issues.

The max and buses will have wonky schedules for the holiday weekend. Check that shit on the intranets, yo!

I refuse to give you a weather forecast. Weather.com and accuweather.com can do that just fine.

You can't get an Iphone without having AT&T's bad service shoved down your throat. In January, Verizon will get a crack at it. I'll believe it when I see it.

Morons don't believe that phosphate free dishwasher detergents work (It's called Ecover, and it works very well. The tablets.) so they're stocking up on the soon-to-be-illegal-to-sell super toxic stuff. Hooray for ignorance!

Some old lady in Vancouver thinks the pre-4th fireworks are turning her little corner of the world into a "battle zone" and it must be stopped.

Unused school supplies are being thrown away by local schools. People are BENT about it. The school officials are saying all the right things.

A sex offender - William Althouse - cut off his ankle monitor and headed for zee hills. He's a bad man. Watch out!

Another guy is on the no-fly list for not worshiping the baby jesus.

Hurricane Alex has a unisex name. They didn't report that. They were talking about wind and stuff. We don't live where it is, but that oil spill does.

Feds have to figure out what to do with the 20 billion that BPwhoisnotBritishPetroleumanymore is due to give them.

Republicans are calling Elana Kagan nasty stuff like "commie", but they'll probably still confirm her.

Petraeus is still taking over in Afghanistan.

You can fix your own sprinklers. Don't water the sidewalk by accident, dummy. Don't run the sprinkler when its been raining a lot, dummy. The sprinkler specialist has a wicked awesome arrangement of facial hair. I wish i had a sprinkler. And a yard.

There's some soccer game going on that's supposed to be a big deal. For whom?

KATU wants me to eat a bunch of stuff I wouldn't dream of eating just to get some stupid vitamin D. The sun is free and doesn't gross me out, thank you.

on that subject: There's a new tax on fake tans from fake sunlight.

More weather. Sports.

Some dumb lady faked an employment notice for her jailed son. She joins him in the pokey.